英语幽默笑话300篇

英语幽默笑话300篇节选
man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: “God, what is a million dollars to you?” and God says: “A penny”, then the man says: “God, what is a million years to you?” and God says: “a second”, then the man says: “God, can I have a penny?” and God says “In a second” 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:”主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?”上帝回答:”一便士.”男子又问:”那一百万年呢?”上帝说:”一秒钟.”最后男子请求道:”上帝,我能得到一便士吗?”上帝回答:”过一秒钟.”英语幽默笑话300篇

Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:”First, you should make sure that he is already dead.” Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:”What should I do next?” 两个猎人进森林里打猎,其中一个猎人不慎跌倒,两眼翻白,似已停止呼吸.另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话.接线员沉着地说：“第一步,要先确定你的朋友已经死亡.”于是,接线员在电话里听到一声枪响,然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办?”

Talking clock

会说话的钟

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is the talking clock,” the man replied. “How’s it work?”

“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓,甚是得意.“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的?”他的一个朋友问他.“那玩意儿厉害了,那是一个会说话的钟”,学生回答.“这钟怎么工作的”,他的朋友问.“看着,别眨眼了”,那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子,拼命地敲了一下,声音震耳欲聋.突然,他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫,“别敲了,你这白痴!现在是凌晨两点钟了!”

Secret For a Long Life

A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she says. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise.”

“Wow, that’s amazing,” says the woman. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

长寿秘诀

一位女士走向坐在门廊的椅子上摇动的小老头.

“我无意中发现,你是多么幸福,”那女士说.“你幸福而长寿的秘密是什么?”

“我每天抽三包烟,每周喝一箱威士忌,吃高脂肪食品,而且从来不曾锻炼.”

“哦,真神奇,”女士说.“你高寿?”

2.

I Understand Him我懂他的话

While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . “Mump umn Kmpfhm,” was all I heard.　　

“Drew,” I scolded, “no one can understand a word you’re saying.

“He says he wants some ketchup,” my husband said calmly .　A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, “How in the world did you understand him?”

“I’m a dentist,” my husband explained.

在饭店吃饭的时候，我申斥我4岁的儿子，因为他满嘴食物在说话。“喔、呢”，我听到的就是这些。 “祖，”我责备道，“没人明白你在说什么。” “他说他要一些番茄酱，”我丈夫平静地说。坐在旁边的一位妇女靠过来问道：“你究竟如何明白他的话的呢？” “我是牙医。”我丈夫解释道。

知道”Family”这个单词的含义吗？

知道”Family”这个单词的含义吗？ 爸 F ather和 A nd妈 M other我 I爱 L ove你 Y ou爸妈我爱你=家庭。

终身保修

After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client of the local mortuary finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he’d originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. “What’s so special about this coffin?” I asked the funeral director. He replied, “It has a lifetime warranty.”

在将母亲下葬9个月后，当地殡仪馆的一个客户终于攒够了钱去买那副他早就相中的价值不菲的棺材了。他把母亲的棺材挖了出来，将尸体转移到了那副新的钢制棺材中。“这副棺材有什么特别？”，我问葬礼的承办人。他回答说，“这种棺材终生保修。

我可以回家了

Now i can go home

One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question．I’ll permit him or her to go home earlier．” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed．He was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It’ s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good－bye，Sir! ”

我 可 以 回 家 了

一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说：“明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能回答我的第一个问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板已被乱涂，他非常生气地问：“谁涂的？ 请站起来。”鲍勃说：“先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见。”

保证没走错To be on the Safe Side

In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.

在一家电影院里，一名观众在演出期间站了起来，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。

A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:

几分钟后，他回到那排位子并问坐在首位的那位男士道：

“Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?”

“对不起，请问我刚才出去的时候是踩着你的脚吗？”

“Yes, but it doesn’t really matter. It didn’t hurt at all.”

“是的，不过没什么关系，一点也不疼。”

“Oh, no, it isn’t that. I only want to make sure that this is my row.”

“噢，不，我不是这个意思。我只是想确认一下这是不是我的那排位子。”

怎么把口香糖取出来呢

How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I’m meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?

怎么把口香糖取出来呢当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢？”

年长者阶层

During the doctor’s periodic visit to my elderly mother, I told him that Mother would be celebrating her 98th birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he bent down and gave her a kiss for the occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be celebrating a birthday in few days and asked for a kiss in return.When he left, my mother shook her head in disgust. “Can you imagine, ” she said. “Seventy dollars and I had to kiss him too!医生按期来探视我的老母。我告诉他母亲不几天就要庆祝她98岁的生日了。医生听了也很高兴，为此，他弯下腰来亲了她一下。然后他说不几天他也要庆祝自己的生日，并要求她还他一个吻。医生走后，我母亲厌恶地摇摇头。“你能想象吗，”她说，“付了他70元，我还得亲他！”

没把头发全剪掉啊

Miles sometime went to the barber’s during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber’s one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.”Hello, Miles,” the manager said. “I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.””Yes, sir, I am,” admitted Miles calmly. “You see, sir, it grows in office time.””Not all of it,” said the manager at once. “Some of it grows in your own time.””Yes, sir, that’s quite true.” Answered Miles politely, “but I’m not having it all cut off.”麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。“你好，麦尔斯，”经理说。“我看到你在上班时间理发了。”“是的，先生。正是这样。”麦尔斯平静地承认了。可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。“不全都是吧，”经理立刻说，“有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。”“对呀，先生，你说得很对。”麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，“但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。”

谁是世界上第一个男人

A teacher said to her class:”Who was the first man?”“George Washington,”a little boy shouted promptly．

“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man？”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently．“Because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.“Well,”said the teacher to him, “who do you think was the first man?”

“I don’t know what his name was,”said the larger boy, “but I know it wasn’t George Washington, ma’am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him.”

一个老师问她的学生：“谁是世界上第一个男人”一个小男孩立刻大声说：“乔治.华盛顿。”老师带着宠溺的笑容问这个男生：“你如何证明乔治华盛顿是世界上第一个男人呢。”这个男孩子说：“因为，他是第一个挑起战争，第一个主张和平，并且是第一个深得民心的人。”这时，有一个年龄稍大的男孩子举起手来，老师问他，“你认为谁是世界第一个男人？”男孩回答说：“我不知道他的名字，但是我肯定他不是乔治华盛顿，因为历史书上说，乔治华盛顿和一个寡妇结婚了，所以在他之前，当然还有一个男的啦。”

没想到那么贵

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?” The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend.”

一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样？”经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。”

为什么不呼救

Policeman: Why didn’t you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they’d have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙，那就更糟了。

他们都在这里

The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, “I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George.” Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. “Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?” George replied, “Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!”

典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情，因为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。因此在一个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？”乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！”

狗娘养的

my father, who was 14 years old than my mother, had been working on his will. at a family dinner he told us that he had provided well for mother, but the family home would go to us five children if she remarried.我爸比我妈大14岁，最近一直在写遗嘱。一次家宴上，他告诉我们说他为母亲以后的生活作好了安排，但如果她改嫁的话，家里的房子将归我们五个孩子所有。”i don’t want another s.o.b. toasting his shins around my fireplace,” he explained.“我可不愿意另外哪个狗娘养的在我的火炉旁烤他的狗腿，”他解释道。with a sly grin, mother

cracked, “what makes you think i’d marry another s.o.b?”妈妈狡猾地咧了咧嘴，讥诮道：“你怎么认为我会再嫁给一个狗娘养的？”

瞎子的判断

Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he

stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog’s tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It’s a wonder that the dog is so long.

从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。

always thirsty 总感到口渴

“i had an operation,” said a man to his friend, “and the doctor left a sponge in me.”一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”

“that’s terrible!” said the friend. “got any pain?”

“真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”

“no, but i am always thirsty!”

“不疼，可是我总感到口渴！”

拳击和赛跑

Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, “This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.” Friend: “But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box.” Dan: “I’m teaching him how to run, too.”

丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”

神父，他有AIDS

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪…Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢？Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a “son of a Bitch.”女孩：昨天，我骂了某个男人一句：“你这个狗娘养的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：为什么？他对你做了什么吗？Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他…他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父伸手摸女孩的胸部）Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.女孩：（因为神父的举动而有一些害羞）嗯…是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是…他又把我的衣服脱掉。Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服）Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是这样子没错。Preacher: That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what…女孩：然後…他把他的…那个…放到我的…那个…里面…Preacher: (evil laugh…) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)神父：（奸笑貌）你是说像这样子吗？（神父和女孩就那个那个了）

Girl: (After a few minutes…) Ugh… Yeah, that s what he did…女孩：（数分钟後）喔…是的…就是这样子…Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a…神父：我亲爱的孩子，就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个…」Girl: But he had AIDS!!女孩：但是他有AIDS呀！Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!神父：那个狗娘养的！！！

我没有看到另外一块

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.

妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗？约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。

3.

My aunt is richer,the adoption of the Russian girl small cousin,this year 18 years,the most hated Shangjie,various accosted by using English,let her not know what course to take,just a few black lines:Hey girl,where are come from?Cousin suppressed along while red face,a broken hand bag,with standard Henan dialect roared:I move sheire who,Gu Henan Zhengzhou -_-

Spring Festival Gala opening dance?Single 1 “we happy” CCTV all reporter.2 pieces of 3 “Maiguai” Zhao Benshan Liu Xiang.The 3 comic “plasticizer is fart” in wine assist “4 pieces of trash children” the Civil Affairs Bureau of Guizhou.The 5 children’s song “I love you” child abuse yanyangong 6 Song “I smile,” Shaanxi administration of work safety.The 7 song “love Wang Shi in the business school”.8 “12 seconds” Lei 政富 acrobatics.9 pieces of “flat Fen” Henan Civil Affairs Bureau

now the woman really effemination too!Afternoon and his girlfriend to go out to exercise,walked less than five hundred meters,she shout tired.I had to back down from her own way.

A beauty?Go to the market to buy pork,the boss said pork is not enough,so from the pig face cut a piece of meat filling,beauty urgent straight stamp said,I shame on you,I shame on you.

If.Female life bangs is adorable sister,oblique bangs is a strong woman,in is the queen,the man?Ping Liuhai is a teenage boy,oblique bangs are loafers,divided is silly B,difference how so big?

today is the last day of 2019,this year,we flirt with Du Fu,Zhen Huan imitation,met uncle bird saved the world,learn a wry neck act loving,always trouble Fang Yuan this year,we claim to grass root,not happy my surname beast,the taste of home stay on the tongue tip you will miss it,this remarkable 2019.

Moonlight before the bed,want to drink Hot and Sour Soup.People than the thin yellow,remember twice-cooked pork.Lotus just buds,a look at the ribs stewed beans.The frosty night,Sauteed Sweet Corn with Pine Nuts potato.Spring Green River south,the moon when the roast grim.Jun ask no period,to get the disc mushrooms stew.I urge the full weight,fruit pancake with chicken.The day will be a pair of lovebirds,street wait to eat barbecue!

cigarette dating back,after some consideration,decided to marry a match.Lighter madly in love for many years very dissatisfied,ask:”I the trendy,you noble,we are the perfect match!Why did you choose soil Diaozha match?” Cigarette said:”because your love is just a moment,when I die,you’ll be faithless,and matches a lifetime burning one,just for me a cigarette.

son in kindergarten,”pleasant goat and grey wolf” to the theme song,always keep singing:”empress empress empress beauty like lazy boiling empress what what what Niang Niang Niang Niang Niang Niang like to day commonplace Niang howling like a hungry we are a group of little sheep”

The donkey said:stupid?People say silly.2,Niu said:people talk about is called B.3,the cat said:people do tricks called maoni.4,the wolf said:people do bad things that work hand in glove with the partnership; 5,the mouse said:people don’t say short-sighted vision; 6,the tiger said:human smugness said borrowing power to do evil; 7,chicken said:people in small things but insisted that the chicken chicken; 8,the dog suddenly Nu way:the most exasperating is,male the woman is pregnant but insisted that damn it.

1 photography when done V shaped sign:God,save this laotu people!Even if you stand like a stake.

2 idol worship:have no idols,only “vomiting object”.

3 don’t use a handkerchief,which also ashamed than street naked.Khan Jiuwang on a clean,no matter how white 多贵 clothes up to head on,the special action to elegant.Our slogan is:do not seek the most NB,as long as more NB!

4 don’t carry a portable computer everywhere Xianyan,guarantee immediately be found.But portable grades higher.This year,the computer can understand more and more,in addition to Gates,who hand out have been identified as idiot,as for Gates,he is the lunch box out to people as is the new concept of electronic

5 don’t many people in the time out of your Tong or similar electronic notepad.Misfortune comes out should immediately find a seam drilling,* * again.When the Tibetan people and more good instant dict,don’t let the cat out of the bag,remember what the phone immediately took out his notebook and a pen.Meet people who are not asked why not instant dict,you only the right eye swept him and then a sneer sneer march off,must be in place,let people understand you not play but disdain for.Popular now recover one’s original simplicity,with a root Xiaogun arbitrary point of the times have passed.